TONIGHT: THE ROOM @ ZEIGFELD

It's a sordid tale of a love triangle gone wrong -- terribly wrong. If you've never seen this film, I am sorry, you're going to have to put it on Netflix or borrow it from a pal because the screening tonight at the Zeigfeld is SOLD OUT!

It's been called the worst movie ever made and cost 7 million dollars to make. It's also been called a dark comedy and the Wikipedia page write up on it is truly amazing. If you have 10 minutes and want to laugh, cry and be confused, go to the Wiki page and read it right now! 

My favorite character (as is many people's) is Mark, or Greg Sestero. Not only is he dashingly handsome and blessed with good hair, but he is funny and he sucks at Scrabble. My kind of guy! I promise to write a full debriefing of the screening tomorrow, so come back and read my follow up laterz. And pick up a copy of today's NY POST to read a little more about Greg.

Here's an interesting side note: my ex-boyfriend of several years, Kurt Metzger is going to be at the screening tonight to present a short video and intro for the film. Kurt is a truly gifted comedian and thinker and got connected through this I believe through his role as the voice of the zombie roommate in Ugly Americans, though I'm not exactly sure how it all ties together.  Anyway, he is the king of dissection, and I can't wait to see him skewer this flick. More to come soon!

No, Kurt doesn't have down's syndrome, he is just making a funny face and celebrating his birthday.

PS -- If you haven't voted for Song of the Month yet, do it now! Upper right hand corner. 

SO MUCH TO DO TONITE, Comedy Central considers Delfino

Fun show on Thurs, ask for details

If you don't know what to do tonight, check out this laundry list of fun stuff: 

* How I Learned at Happy Ending, 8 PM, FREE

* Kong Magazine Party, 7 PM, FREE

* ComedySmack at Caroline's

* Crazy crafts show / reading at Housing Works, 7 PM, FREE

* Comedy show at 1st and 1st

* Adira Amram at Fontana's? (I think)

And in other news: 

I'm focusing a lot on writing new music / recording a new album. For more info, send an email to jess delfino at yahoo dot com with the subject: SONG OF THE MONTH. 

I just sent my last CD, "I Wanna Be Famous" to Comedy Central per their request, in the hopes that they will produce my next CD. How can you help? Email and ask for more info. 

THIS THURSDAY NIGHT I'm performing in a really neat private show / taping in downtown NYC. Wanna come? Email me for the details -- I can't list it on my blog because it is not open to the public, but I can give away 3 sets of tickets for 2. 

SONG OF THE MONTH night 

at NYCTalentShow.com

I'll be singing my new song tonight, country-esque ballad, "Workin' On A Sunday" about the plights of, ya know, working on the lord's day, which is inspired by what I find myself doing nearly every stinkin' week. 

This song will go live across the interweb around 10:45 PM. The show starts at 10:30 and I'll be going up just a few acts in, so don't miss it! Watch live at www.nyctalentshow.com with your hosts Victor Varnado and Diane O'Debra. Or attend! It's $3 to get in, 308 Bowery @ Houston. Be there or I will do nothing about it at all. 

AND PLEASE VOTE to the right hand side of this blog for your favorite song -- it takes two seconds and if you don't vote, I might send you a song you don't want called George Bush. 

PS -- NEW Song of the Month CLUB CARD!! To get yours, join the club, send your mailing address, and don't be a wiener and NOT JOIN or send your mailing address. Isn't it cute? I drew it myself. Below, you can see the front and back, which when folded, makes one full complete card. Don't use this at an ATM machine, all you will get is pennies and maybe a stick of gum. 

Thanks!

Holy Happy Times 

(followed by Holy Horror Show)

BESTIES was the best. Nice audience including a lesbian bachelorette party in the house, the new band Puss & Boobs rocked (though I gotta say, the sound equipment sounded like shit -- I mean, literally LIKE SHIT -- like the same sounds one makes when creating turds) my friends are all awesome, we had a little after show drink and mingle, what can I say? I have good friends and that is why I do this show every month -- to do something nice for the amazing community of performers I'm surrounded and encouraged by on a daily basis. What a crew!

So that was holy happy times. 

Holy horror show started on the walk home. 

Of course, Ludlow Street and the surrounding vicinity are almost unwalkable from Thursday to Sunday am, and honestly, they should just shut the whole area down to cars during those times. I was carrying a gigantic sign that said "BESTIES", in addition to wheeling a wheely suitcase and toting a guitar on my back. There were people everywhere, partying, and I was bobbing and weaving to make my way down the street. As I came to that yuppy shit hole Libation, there was a huge crowd of people hanging out on the street in front, so I went through the VIP entrance side *just to walk through* when I was accosted by two nerdy white people (one of them black) holding clip boards. They barked at me that I couldn't walk through there! Go around! They yelled in unison, the human version of two small twin dogs, yapping in my face. I'm just walking through! I insisted, carrying tons of stuff and not wanting to have to deal with the crowd. No! Go around! The librarian hipster looking chic tweeted at me in an attempt to look tough and important with her stupid clip board. Her and the black white guy tried to block me off. Get out of my way! I yelled at them like a crotchety old lady. If I'd had a purse, I would have swung it. A third gentleman, the only one with any sense in his head, said, Go through. Thank you! I said, stumbling past with all my gear, and maybe yelling something about the place being a yuppie hell hole. 

I laughed a bit as I walked on, thinking about the scene, and how two dorks from Ohio and perhaps New Jersey could move to NYC and get jobs where they held clip boards and respected people with expensive clothes and had lost or perhaps, never had any appreciation for the humble performer, the people who give NYC the grit the world knows and loves, the MEs of NYC, the artists, musicians and wierdos that make this city smell of urine and money. I thought on it as I walked, but quickly became distracted by the new hellish scene I stumbled upon -- a woman crying hysterically into another woman's arms, as a handcuffed man lie in a pool of blood on the sidewalk, a car parked also on the sidewalk, with 3 plain clothes officers standing over him. 

I was just drunk and amped up enough to meddle. Is everything OK over here? I asked. I live on this block. Everything is OK, they assured me. Are you officers? I persisted. One showed me their badge. I scuffled over to the other side of the street feeling extremely helpless and questioning the exorbitant amount of money I spend on rent to live in a, um, nicer neighborhood. I chatted in spanish for a minute with a super who swept the sidewalk. Hola, he said. Que pasa? I asked. No se, he replied. Es OK? I pushed on in awkward 10th grade spanish. Si, he said. There was a fight, he answered me in english, to let me know that I probably should not ever be speaking spanish out loud. Oh, I said. I don't know what happened, he continued. I nodded and then, bored of hearing no details, I quickly scurried home so I could feel the familiar warmth of safety my apartment provides from the combat zone that downtown NYC becomes on a Thursday night. 

 Yesterday, Tomorrow

The BESTIES SHOW is THIS Thursday

Yesterday I spent the day running errands -- boring, right? No! It was actually kind of fun. It was 4/20, national pot smokers day, and I had a great time walking around, injecting paranoia into the lives of all the stoners on the street with some well-placed dramatic glances amid picking up recycling bags at Duane Reade and dropping letters into the mail box. Was I a spy? Their parent's friend? Or just a creep? They may never know. 

In the evening, I performed at a reading show called Kiss'N'Tell at Madame X. I never know what to expect when I do a show for the first time -- is this going to suck? Or should I have shaved my legs for this one and maybe brought a few extra CDs? Last night was the latter, but I was prepared with accidental freshly shaved legs and a handful of CDs in the bright pink Dickie gig bag my guitar lives in. What a terrific show. This is one for my peeps -- true tales all about sex, ranging in slightly ribald to downright filthy dirty. I even had a few accidental surprise friend sightings which is always fun, and made some new pals, too -- people who are not afraid to talk about jollies and ya yas and what not. My people, indeed. 

Tomorrow is the 2nd episode of my monthly show, BESTIES. If you were there for the first show, thanks for coming -- this one is going to be even bigger and better with a new, large handmade SIGN, a full BAND called PUSS & BOOBS starring myself and Lauren Oppelt on DOUBLE VOCALS like Heart -- awesome!! -- also guests ANDREA ROSEN, BEN LERMAN, DIANE O'DEBRA, LIVIA SCOTT, FRANK PEFFERCORN & JULIET JESKE. It's a show about friendship!

BESTIES

Slipper Room * 167 Orchard St. @ Stanton

7 DOORS

8 SHOW

9 DRINKS & MINGLING
$5 at the door

Bring friends, meet my friends, and make new friends.

Special thanks to one of my fave blogs, The Lo Down Lower East Side blog for featuring my show on yesterday's lo down!!! And a shout out to ComedySmack.com for listing the show!! Thanks guys, you sure know how to make a girl smile...down there.

My sister's dog got eaten by a bear,

Song of the Month tonight,
shout out to KATG

My sister's dog got eaten by a bear. RIP Jack Aulisio. He was a good dog. It happened a few days ago in North Carolina and I'm still really sad about it. My sister and brother in law have honey bees on their property so bears would sometimes linger nearby. Kinda scary, right? Jacky dog, protector of the property, lost the fight.

To switch out of sad gear, let's talk about music.

TONIGHT: I will play a new song for the SONG OF THE MONTH club at NYC TALENT SHOW, 308 Bowery, 10 PM. I will probably go on closer to 11ish. I will rock a new song called "Totes Inappropes" goin' out to Lauren Hennessey. Watch LIVE at www.nyctalentshow.com and VOTE for the song on my twitter account or FB page. Just comment "I like it" if you like it, or do nothing if you don't. Or email me feedback. The song with the most votes will get sent to the SONG OF THE MONTH club as an mp3 via email.

I'm making a new album so I could really use all of your suggestions and feed back!!

If you are NOT in the SONG OF THE MONTH club and would like to be, email subject: SONG OF THE MONTH to jess delfino at yahoo dot com and join the ding dang club! It's still free  for the time being, and it's an excellent, premiere time waster.

A shout out to Keith, Chemda and the crew, friends and fans of KATG for an awesome, awesome weekend. L' Chaim, peeps.

FUN FILLED WEEK holy shazam

and good stuff on the horizon, too

This week has really been something else, jam packed with a varied, eclectic and sparkly collection of shows, including Literary Death Match, Skits'N'Tits and Keith & The Girl's Keith's Annual Birthday Show, Match Game & Bingo and culminating this Sunday with Deep Traffic at The Magnet Theater.

Literary Death Match at Piano's was wicked fun. Care for a run down? Click this beeyotch right here. 

Skits'N'Tits was the most packed ever, thanks in part surely to Michael Musto's sweet plug on his Village Voice blog and the slew of KATG folks in town for Keith's birthday show and the other events. We actually had people waiting in a line for people to leave so they could then get in. That's the kind of show we run, peeps! The next Skits'N'Tits is Wednesday, May 12th so get your $5 tickets in advance or pay $8 at the door, but either way, be there. At the last show, we gave away 2 PBR lights which were awesome! And 2 pairs of Lamia Design's amazing halfsie gloves that retail for over $100 at Henry Bendel. Come next month and see what amazing things we've got up our sleeves or in our pantaloons. 

I tended bar last night at the Match Game and I don't mean to brag but I poured a mean "Hulk Juice" (ten parts vodka, 1/2 parts Mountain Dew) and by poured, I mean, literally pushed the spout button on the cooler. Diane O'Debra and I were swingin' behind the bar, a killer tag team assuring that all the mouths and stomachs in the house were gulping down goblets of green stuff. Didja like my alliteration there? I did. 

Yeah, I was wearing a crazy hat -- crazy awesome, that is, hand made by my amazing milliner friend Cha Cha of Cha Cha's House of Ill Repute. What about it? I'm fashionable, dammit. 

diet coke and red wine, not a good combo

Deep Traffic is my friend Adam Lerman's show and he's really something else. The kid has friends in the freezer and keeps meat in his pockets. You have to see his show or you're going to be disappointing society and hurting all of humanity. 

Sunday, April 18

Deep Traffic

@ The Magnet Theater

254 W. 29th btw 7th and 8th Aves

8 PM sharpsies

Finally, do not miss the BESTIES show next Thursday, April 22 at The Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St.,  starring Andrea Rosen, Ben Lerman, Diane O'Debra, Juliet Jeske, Livia Scott and Frank Peffercorn, and starring the Besties House Band, Puss & Boots. 7:30 PM, $5 at the door.

SONG OF THE MONTH 

a new creative time waster, week 2 / song 2 of April

It's almost time for my "SONG OF THE MONTH" at Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado's newly re-arranged NYC Talent Show, tonight.


Here's how it works: 


Every Monday around 10:30 PM, I'll premiere a new song live onstage which you can watch online at www.nyctalentshow.com. 


If you like the song I perform, let me know. The song that gets the most shout outs / responses that month will get emailed to my Song of the Month club as an mp3, link or video for FREE!! There are other perks as well, including a free club card that gets you reduced admission to shows, drink specials, special offers and more. 


If you are not in the club, email jessdelfino at yahoo dot com with Song of the Month in the subject line. 

Tonight's SONG OF THE MONTH RUN DOWN: 

LAST WEEK'S SONG: I'm Proud To Be A Nerd

RESPONSE: I got 3 likes (and sold 4 CDs, which I count as 4 likes)

THIS WEEK'S SONG: What I'll Do If You Give Me A Dollar

TO BEAT LAST WEEK: 

I'll need at least 8 likes, that means, emails to me at jess delfino at yahoo 

dot com, comments, notes or likes on my FB page or my FAN page, 

comments on this blog, or Twitter action mentioning the song.

NOTE: If you heard last week's song and didn't comment but want to, you can still add likes to last week's song, and you can like more than one song per month. 


See ya online, round 10 pm tonight.

AFFORDABLE AFTERNOON

It looks like it's gonna be a nice one. I am meeting an old friend for coffee in Union Square (I don't drink coffee, I order half a cup and then look at it) and then I'm starting a new job as the assistant director for a little festival in the East Village, which means I gotta go to worky work. But here are some things I would totally do today if I were free with no cares in the world: 

I would have started with this one if I had woken up reallllly early: 

(From Time Out NY's Now Do This list)

Divine intervention raises some rather tricky problems with free will, but do you really want to take the risk of going out without God as your copilot? Especially when you’re riding on New York’s roads? So get thee to the 12th Annual Blessing of the Bicycles at Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine (1047 Amsterdam Ave at 112th St; blessingofthebikes.com; 9:30–10am, free), where Reverend Canon Thomas Miller will douse your handlebars with holy water and fallen cyclists will be remembered in absentia by a bagpiper

SUBWAY SANDWICH LOVERS CAN SHARE A LUNCH WITH SOMEONE or just buy one for later: 

(from the Skint)

buy one get one free footlong sub during subway’s customer appreciation day at one of the chain's kagillion+ locations in nyc. >> http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=111231968889425&ref=mf

Everyone knows that Japanese people are the coolest in the world 
(is that racist of me?): 

(from Cheap Chick In The City) 

Saturday April 10, 2010
J-cation with the Japan Society
1 p.m. to 1 a.m.
Travel to Japan without the jet lag! This 12-hour party/staycation features Japanese snacks and drinks, cooking demonstrations, workshops, msuic, film, and even Japanese game shows!Cheap Chick Info: $5 suggested donationLocation Info: Japan Society, 333 E. 47th StreetSubway: 4,5,6,7,S to Grand Central Terminal

I have a brown thumb and would like to scrub the brown off to reveal the green that I know is there, so this would be a good one for me: (plus, my sister says she saves hundreds of dollars a year growing her own veggies. awesome)

(from the freegan list)

Saturday, April 10 • Planting Workshop 
Learn to grow veggies, herbs and fruits indoors and out. We'll start plants
from seeds, cuttings and tubers that participants can take away in pots for
planting wherever you like.  Bring garden seeds, sprouty potatoes, empty flower
pots, garden gloves and hand tools if you have them, and food and drinks to
share. Media WILL be welcome with appointment.
When & Where? Meet at 2pm at the Campus Road Community Garden, Avenue H andOcean Avenue inside the gates of Brooklyn College. Take the 2 train to Flatbush
Avenue (Brooklyn College) station, then walk west around the college; or the Q
train to Avenue H (northbound) or J (southbound), then walk east to Ocean
Avenue. In case of severe rain we'll do it indoors; check with Madeline, (917)
538-7505.

WICKED AWESOME with a capital W and a capital A

I was thrilled today to see a review type thingy of my CD, "I Wanna Be Famous" (categorized under music & things I like) written by Village Voice's Michael Musto on his blog, La Daily Musto. This is one of the most exciting things to happen to me since I discovered the liquor store near my house sells $3 bottles of really good wine. He also plugged the sweet-ass April 14th Skits'N'Tits. 

AMAZING. I've been a quiet appreciator of Michael's for awhile and so this is pretty sweet. He just celebrated his 25 year anniversary at The Village Voice (how long have you been at your job for?) so if you are driving down the road and you see him riding his bike on the street, don't run him over, instead buy him a milk shake or just wave cheerfully, and leave him be.

If you think Michael Musto has great taste and would like to buy my CD, just click here for a hard copy, or visit iTunes if you just want the mp3s. 

KEITH & THE GIRL, SONG OF THE MONTH advancements, 

HAIK U GLENN BECK, Rosetto Stonoli

It's always so much fun to be on the Keith & The Girl podcast, it's like hanging out with friends and having a funny conversation, but a jillion people can hear you. Yesterday was a really long one, we talked it out for realz. God those two make me laugh, sometimes in a bad way. You can hear it all for free at keithandthegirl.com. Also, a shout out to all the new "Song Of The Month" club members! Joining the JD SOTM club is free and easy. It means you get a free song (usually mp3, sometimes a link) emailed to you every month. You also get discounts to shows and other perks. It's a win - win -- I get to share my music and you get free stuff. 

Here's how it works: I try out a new song at Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado's Talent Show every Monday at 10 pm. Of the four or five songs I try out in a month, the best one makes it to Song Of The Month club email blast. The "best one" is determined by feedback, so either attend every Monday at 10 PM at 308 Bowery, or tune in to Talent Show on Ustream (you can learn more by following @NYCTalentShow on Twitter.com). This past Monday, I sold 2 CDs and got a great response from "I'm Proud To Be A Nerd", which was the Song Of The Month for March. I wonder what song will win for April? 

At the end of the year, the songs will be compiled into a new album. I can't wait to share the new jams with the world. To join, email jessdelfino at yahoo dot com, subject: SONG OF THE MONTH.

To see up coming up shows, check out the schedule on the right column of this blog -- a few really great ones for April are the always fabulous Skits'N'Tits on Wednesday, April 14th, 10 pm, and my new Besties show with Andrea Rosen, Ben Lerman, Diane O'Debra and others, which has a kickin' house band that sings songs about friends and other rock jams, Thursday April 22 at 8 pm at The Slipper Room. More info here / confirm you're coming on facebook so I know to dress up and wash my special parts.

Hey, got a beef with Glenn Beck? "Haik U" him. My haiku, last I checked, was rated 5th. I don't know what that means, but there were a lot of haikus, so 5th is either closest to being the best or closest to being the worst. Pop in, write your own damn haiku, and give mine a thumbs up, for the balls of it. Why not. haikuglennbeck.com

Finally, congrats to my friend Jena Friedman for having her Rosetto Stonoli video on the front page of FunnyOrDie.com and Atom yesterday, starring thank you very much, ME, also comedians Dave Hill and Elna Baker. I think it was the mom-to-be look I touted with the glasses and yellow sweater that gave it that final push into awesomedom. Check out the vid HERE and vote it funny or I punchy punchy. 

Bye!

I just had to post this photo because I couldn't believe it when it happened. This past Saturday night I was at a party, but not just any party. An amazing, beautiful, gorgeous closing party for the indescribable experience that was Flight 18. The party took place at a 4 story brownstone home in midtown that literally took my breath away. We were greeted as we arrived by a group of people waving sparklers to let us know we'd found the party. It was just out of this world to stroll down the street at 1 am after our last show and see a crew of our friends and cast members with a dozen bright twinkling sparklers, just for us.

Amazing, right? 

Once inside, there was a decadent and wonderful spread of all types of delicious home made food for us to enjoy. I was so happy, because nothing makes my life more joyous than eating scrumptious home-made food cooked with love and care, for me. 

I made a plate, exhausted from the double header of shows that night, a back to back 7:30 and a 9:30 which were, in my opinion, possibly the absolutely worst followed by the absolute best of the whole series of shows, and took said plate outside to the absolutely breath taking back yard patio, full of the softest chairs and couches, lit by dozens of large candle lantern lights everywhere. 

A few minutes later, a regular patron of the show (but not a cast member) came stumbling over to me, clearly a bit out of it (or maybe that is just her personality, I've never been able to figure it out) and was playfully waving a sparkler around my face. I yelled at her, "Get that thing away from my hair! You'll catch me on fire!" She laughed and took a moment before understanding I meant business, then trotted off. 

A few seconds later, my seat began to get warm and I was so excited -- this terrific, fancy back yard patio was filled with furniture that had heated seats! I'd just been getting chilly. But I found out quickly, no -- it wasn't heated patio seats, it was my ass on fire. 

I jumped up and noticed I was smoking and flaming, so I started freaking out, yelling, "I'm on fire!" A few people came over, slapped my ass and put me out. Luckily, I still had all my hair in tact. Unfortunately, the ass of my beautiful hot pink sparkle dress had been ruined. But thankfully, I filmed a video wearing it, so the dress will live forever. 

Probably the saddest part was that it didn't even occur to the fire starter to offer to fix, repair or replace the dress, and I was too bummed to really make a big deal about it.

The moral of the story, not everyone is smart enough to operate a sparkler, and alcohol may increase sparkler's danger level, so beware! The alternative moral: If you light someone's dress on fire, offer to replace or fix it. It's the socially acceptable thing to do.

TONIGHT,
also HAIK U, GLENN BECK

You can catch me at the Burly-Q Revue show at Slipper Room, 67 Orchard St. @ Stanton St. (F to 2nd Ave) at 8 pm, $5 with Shane Webb and lots of other beauties, too.

Then, you can catch me performing my brand new SONG OF THE WEEK tonight, at Talent Show, hosted by Diane O'Debra and Victor Varnado, 308 Bowery, at 10 PM for $3. The idea of SONG OF THE WEEK is to get me in the habit of writing a new song every week. They can't all be winners, but odds are whatever I come up with will be better than a lot of the crap you hear on the radio. It used to be SONG OF THE MONTH but I've upped the ante. Join the club by emailing jess delfino at yahoo dot com, subject: SONG OF THE MONTH. You will receive the best of the four new songs of the month, every month, which will be determined by the responses of the Talent Show audience. No big deal, but, free music.

If you'd like to know where I'm going to be on a regular basis without having to make a concerted effort to read my blog on the daily, (ya big baby) sign up for my monthly newsletter, "The Monthly Visitor" by emailing Jess delfino at yahoo dot com, subject: The Monthly Visitor, or if you'd like to keep track of my sassy lines whenever you please, just keep up on me by following me on Twitter HERE.

I hope to see you somewhere tonight or this week, be it on the street, in an elevator, on TV, waving at me from a helicopter, a chance run in at the grocery store or WHAT have you.

PS -- Hey, do you have a few words to say to Glenn Beck? Give him the what for at Haik U, Glenn Beck! My Haiku:

Glenn Beck, why so vexed?
You seemed cooler back when you
were in the Yardbirds

Click HERE to give mine a thumbs up if you like it, which is nice of you, because it makes me look good, check out others or post your own. 

Love,

Jessica

Always the fool, never the fooler

I was trying to think of some good ways to spend April Fool's Day. Call my mom and tell her I'm getting married! To a man! But she'd just be relieved. I think she thinks I might be gay deep down somewhere. Pretend I'm gay for the day! But that'd probably just excite my boyfriend who probably hopes I might be gay deep down somewhere. Don't all guys hope that? Isn't that every man's shared dream? That their girlfriends are secretly gay, but not in a "I like lesbians now" kind of way, more in a, "I'm gay if by gay you mean I like to have threesomes with my boyfriend and another girl" way? 

I tried to trick my bf with a lame April Fool's text. I warmed him up with a, "I have to tell you something" precursor, but he had me figured out and had retyped April Fool's! before I even finished typing, "I'm pregnant." 

Halloween costumes, April Fool's Day gags and understanding society. Three things I suck at, which as a comedian, I should really be better at. 

I'm gonna go drink a shamrock shake and read the news. April Fool's! I hate McDonalds. And reading. Anyway, shamrock shakes (green mint-flavored shakes that McD's just puts out for St. Patty's time) are gone by now.